Devworks@fateofio.org: AC Hockey League accounts

AC Hockey League accounts

Posted by Dev at 2005/05/01 03:31:49 PDT
Edited at 2005/05/05 14:44:30 PDT

Herein lie the ongoing accounts of the first six rounds between the Shalun Wolverines, Elf Tower Dark Horses, Tyrracore Radicals, and Tuonela Tietäjät.

Round One

Hydrovale Radicals versus Elf Tower Dark Horses at Tyrracore, Thornrock Arena in Sphere F337

Tyrracore's account
The Arctic Circle Hockey League kicked off its first game in a converted hydroponics bubble near the colony center yesterday, nearly 3 kilometers beneath the Arctic Ocean. The arena was attended by over 50,000 spectators from both of these progressive nations. Announcers Bob Melloday and Pat Tibble were in the booth to follow the game.

"Well I've sure never seen such a happy crowd after so near a loss, wouldn't you say, Bob?"

"Sure would, Pat. I think these college state fans were happy just to see their team get a few goals in. And really, after the Horses just dominated in the first half, I was surprised that those university kids stayed as cool as they did. Focused on what they had to do, and it really helped 'em... just not quite as much as they needed. Really surprised me."

"That's true, Bob, though I think I heard about some of the Elf Tower guys were a bit premature in their victory celebration, if you know what I mean..."

"No doubt about that, Pat, there was an awful lot of weaving from the Horses in that last quarter. Even the goalkeeper was staggering a bit ... might have had a part in helping the Radicals to nearly bring it all the way back by the end, there."

"Sure did, Bob."
Elf Tower's account
In a tightly played match, the Dark Horses started off the season on a winning note, edging out the underdogs from Tyrracore, 4-3.

"They proved that they belong at this level of competition," said Dark Horses head coach, Timo Nauranashan. "We were really able to shut them down in the third period with some strong defensive play, but the first two periods were an exciting way to open it up."

Despite incredible offense by Elf Tower throughout the first, Hydrovale had the upper edge at 3-1. The Dark Horses dominance continued through much of the second, resulting in a flurry of goals towards the end of the second period. In a matter of minutes, Elf Tower netted three goals in their typically spectacular fashion.

The third was full of exciting chances for the Radicals, including a shot hitting the post in the closing seconds, but Dark Horses' goaltender Daniel Coultier played at the top of his game.

Shalun Wolverines versus Tuonela Tietäjät at Shalun, Totentanz Stadium in Falcon Rock

Shalun's account
Despite a very promising beginning by the Shalun Wolverines, always a dominant force on the ice, victory for last night's match at the historical Totentanz Coliseum went to the visiting Tuonela Tietäjät 36-3.

Taking point for the wolverines again was Team Captain Haakon Blutvargr, who made national headlines in the off season when his special forces strike team singlehandedly disabled a group of foreign terrorists trying to take intel on Shalun's national landmarks. Said Blutvargr of the event, "They may have been senior citizens carrying heart pills and disposable cameras, but I know a terrorist splinter cell when I see one." Blutvargr's famed offensive skills were nullified early on in the match when he was ejected from the game for high-sticking a referee.

Team captaincy was temporarily transferred then to High Warlord (coach) and Goalie Margrave Rune Sunaj, Marshal-General of Shalun's military, nicknamed "the Tower of Pain" for his cranium-busting defense of Shalun's goal. The Margrave Tietäjät for the bulk of the game, allowing his team to score two goals in the interim. However, the Wolverines' "hands-on" approach to hockey resulted in six player ejections during the match, emptying Shalun's bench, and created quite an untenable situation when all four players beyond the Margrave were placed in the penalty box for scrapping on the ice. Sports theorists believe that Sunaj could have held off the Tietäjät indefinitely if not for their cunning use of taunts, which sent him into what psychologists are now calling a "berserker blood fury" which resulted in the opportunity for 36 straight goals for Tuonela and two major injuries for the Tietäjät starting team, one of which is likely a career-ending spinal break.

Team Manager and Lord Prime Minister August Tresaile issued the following statement after the close of the game.

"Shalun's aggressive strategies on the ice are bold, and sometimes result in a loss when we overestimate the latitude our unorthodox tactics will receive from the officials. It was a solid game, all told, and I am proud to have seen my team perform so bravely on the ice. My prayers go out to the players injured during the game, but remember--it is just a game, and these are professional atheletes, so don't take anything you've seen here too seriously."

Margrave Rune Sunaj was unavailable for comment, having been tranquilized by Wolverines team medic Snorri Einherjar. While Lord High Priest Indomitable XIX was also unavailable for comment, sources state that he may make an appearance during the next match as part of a new offensive strategy the Wolverines are developing.
Tuonela's account
A spokesman for Santeri Paavolainen, the team physician of the Tuonela Tietäjät, says that Paavolainen wishes to "see if there isn't some provision in the laws of one of our countries" to enter a state of blood-feud with the Shalunese goalie and Marshal-General, Margrave Rune Sunaj. "You son of a bitch, that was my *cousin* you crippled- you're going DOWN, man," the team physician of thirty-six years was quoted as saying before a quick-thinking representative of Tuonela's omnipresent Electoral Commission rammed a needle full of an unidentified medical substance into Paavolainen's thigh muscle. Afterwards the only statement that could be had from Paavolainen was, "Ooh, the colours."

The Tuonelan Ministry of Sports wishes to congratulate Shalun on a game well played and looks forward to the next round of what onlookers termed 'barely civilised mayhem'.

2005/05/12 15:08:29 PDT by Dev
Edited at 2005/07/07 00:40:39 PDT

Round Two

Shalun Wolverines versus Elf Tower Dark Horses at Elf Tower, Cassiopeia

Elf Tower's account
After losing by 33 goals in their last game, the Shalun Wolverines were not only hungry for blood, but for the two points. Elf Tower, after a narrow victory over an amateur club, knew that it had to pick up its' game to pick up those same two points.

Both teams exercised more defensive caution in tonight's game in this match, drawing the match at a final score of 1-1.

Elf Tower swiftly fell behind shortly after the opening faceoff. Blutvargr netted his goal only five seconds into the game, catching the bloated egos of the Elf Tower squad completely off-guard.

"It was a really humbling way to start the game," commented Elf Tower captain Andreas Damgaard. "We were trying to get the crowd riled up, because we'd heard from the Tuonelans that taunting gets the Shalunese off their game. We smartened up after that, though."

After the early Shalunese goal, the game turned into a physical, but not career-threatening, defensive battle, both sides equally exchanging solid body checks.

The game turned to the offensive in the closing minutes. Elf Tower peppered Sunaj with fifteen shots over the course of five minutes, before finally equalising the match with 1.2 seconds left on the clock.

Head Coach Nauranashan said the goal was a big boost to his team's confidence. "We have a really offensively skilled group of guys. They can easily skate circles around any team in this league, they just need to know how to control their emotions and their egos. It's plays like the opening faceoff that make me wonder why we gave all of these guys Ferraris over the off-season."

Elf Tower (1-0-1) takes a lead in the ACHL standings with 3 points, while Shalun (0-1-1) remains winless. In other action this week, Tyrracore (0-1) will try to reverse their opening-game fortunes against Tuonela (1-0).
Shalun's account
The Wolverines arrived in Elf Tower expecting victory, having actually taken the time between matches to learn how to play hockey, as previously only two players (Team Captain & Center Haakon “Captain Blood” Blutvargr and High Warlord & Goalie Rune “the Wall of Pain” Sunaj) had any actual hockey experience, with the other positions filled by what one sportscaster referred to as “slavering barbarians.” While the team’s star players returned to the frozen field, the Wolverines brought forth a surprise addition to the team--High Priest Indomitable XIX, nicknamed “Action Chaplain,” as the Left Wing.

Shalun began the game with their infamous power offense, with Blutvargr charging forward and manhandling the puck for a rapid-fire point within the first five seconds of the match and stomping flat the Elf Tower attempt to get an audience taunt from the crowd.

“Haakon was amazing on the ice, as usual,” said team manager and Prime Minister of Shalun August Tresaile in a brief conversation at the half. “Those years in arctic recon really paid off in his game.”

Shalun kept up their strong offensive, but Elf Tower was equal to the task, holding the scoreboard at 1-0 for the majority of the match. While Shalun’s offensive tactics were much more subdued in this game, there were a few hard shots, with Blutvargr throwing a vicious elbow that cost the Dark Horses what seemed to be a certain goal in the third quarter. Not surprisingly, the most aggressive player in the rink was the High Priest Indomitable XIX, who actually set himself on fire in the second half in order to intimidate his opponents. While the Dark Horses were startled by this technique and certainly wary of engaging the Action Chaplain, it was ultimately a self-defeating move, throwing off the High Priest’s concentration and limiting his ability to handle the puck to such a great degree that he was forced to leave the ice.

“I don’t know what he was [deleted]ing thinking,” snarled Margrave Rune Sunaj to no one in particular. “We’re playing on ice! [Deleted]ing ice! Fire is not good for ice!”

Elf Tower gave as good as they got, showing a superior strategy and facility on the ice (if not the heartless brutality and aggression of the Wolverines), and throwing checks to the Wolverines in response to every combative overture. Right Defenseman Arne “Berserker” Tordenstem took a sharp shot to the throat after underestimating the Dark Horse offense, with a dismissive body check resulting in a solid blow that sent him sprawling on the ice. “He didn’t seem that big at the time,” was all the defender had to say for himself after he’d stopped frothing at the mouth and howling like a wolf.

Both teams played with focused intent for the majority of the game, with Shalun showing uncharacteristic control (despite momentary lapses ranging from flagrant violence to the utterly ridiculous but shocking immolation of the Action Chaplain) and the Dark Horses pulling off some amazing teamwork to field quick plays that dazzled the Shalun defensive line. Elf Tower was stopped short every time, however, by the Wall of Pain himself, Rune Sunaj. Sunaj’s legendary defense not only prevented multiple goals throughout the evening, but kept the Dark Horses well away from the Margrave, having learned from Tuonela’s example that you don’t get within range of the High Warlord’s “defensive flailing.” Elf Tower persisted, and launched an amazing 15 assaults against Shalun in the final five minutes, keeping the puck away from everyone but the Margrave himself. With a scant 1.2 seconds left on the clock, Elf Tower pulled off a miracle midair shot as Sunaj deflected a goal attempt, but the Dark Horse center retaliated by striking the puck in midair, finding the sole sweet spot in Sunaj’s previously impenetrable defense and tying the score to prevent a Shalunese victory.

With no comment for the media after the match, Shalun left Elf Tower as if in defeat, regrouping to discuss their strategy, while Elf Tower celebrated a non-loss (and more importantly, a non-career-ending-injury match with Shalun).