Tyrracore's account

It was with head-splitting cacophony that the Radicals returned to the ice for the season opener last Tuesday, only to disappoint the cheering crowds with a 0-6 shutout. The new Elf Tower team commanded the rink with masterful coordination, though it remains uncertain whether the Devils or the Radicals were more culpable for the game's outcome. The university team seemed unable to produce any offense whatsoever.

"He was all yelling and waving at the fans the whole time," said one spectator and Hydrovale junior, referring to the Radicals' star forward, Billy Bailey. "He was so smashed after the pregame kegger, I don't think he even knew there was a game going on."

If the incessantly vivacious crowd was any indication, many Radicals fans were similarly unaware that their team was steadily slipping into a solid defeat throughout the game. Chaotic celebration marked the entire event. The Tyrracorean anthem was interrupted with what by all accounts was a fiesty pirate jig emanating loudly from a section of the bleachers, and officials were forced to stop the game three times during the fourth quarter to remove togas that had been thrown onto the ice.

The Radicals join the SiamGus Guerrillas in searching for their first season win when the second round of match-ups are scheduled.

Elf Tower's account

AP (Sphere F337, Tyrracore) - It was an interesting evening down at Hydrovale University, resulting in an Elf Tower victory and a suspended player.

Unlike last season's opening game, which was also played at Hydrovale, this was a commanding victory for the Devils, who opened the game with three goals in the first five minutes. Elf Tower's fate-sealing fourth goal was scored by their own goaltender. After dumping the puck into the Radicals zone, Tyrracorean defenseman Jason Watson forgot that he was in his own zone, and subsequently slammed the puck into his own net.

Billy Bailey, Elf Tower's high-scoring winger, however, was not found on the scoresheet. Instead, he was caught up in a pregame party with local students, and played the entire game visibly intoxicated.

"While we respect Bailey and his on-ice performance, his display on the ice was dishonourable to the Devils organisation, and the country of Elf Tower," said team officials in a post-game news conference. The team suspended Bailey for one game.

Bailey was unavailable for comment in the locker room after the game, but was heard from the showers lamenting about his head.